Holding on to nothing
by Jessica12
Summary: (6/6)-L/L- "You'll never walk alone"- Trying to act like nothing has happen, they danced around each other until one night Lorelai was faced with losing him again. This time for good...
1. Default Chapter

Title: Holding on to nothing  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: Is the truth always necessary?   
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Luke and Rachel have been married for about a year.  
  
She never left Stars Hollow. Lorelai is still Lorelai..:)   
  
I promise, I swear..this time around..it will be a happy ending..  
  
Just bear with me.  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU: TO Sandra for helping me out here..  
  
*******************************************  
  
"On that day   
  
I shall put roses on roses, and cover your grave   
  
With multitude of white roses: and since you were brave   
  
One bright red ray.   
  
  
  
So people, passing under   
  
The ash-trees of the valley-road, will raise   
  
Their eyes and look at the grave on the hill, in wonder,   
  
Wondering mount, and put the flowers asunder   
  
  
  
To see whose praise   
  
Is blazoned here so white and so bloodily red.   
  
Then they will say: 'Tis long since she is dead,   
  
Who has remembered her after many days?   
  
  
  
And standing there   
  
They will consider how you went your ways   
  
Unnoticed among them, a still queen lost in the maze   
  
Of this earthly affair.   
  
  
  
A queen, they'll say,   
  
Has slept unnoticed on a forgotten hill.   
  
Sleeps on unknown, unnoticed there, until   
  
Dawns my insurgent day."  
  
(Poem called "On that day" by D.H Lawrence )  
  
**********************  
  
Holding on to nothing (1/?)  
  
by: Jessica  
  
*********************  
  
It felt like my chest was going to explode as I ran  
  
through the halls of the hospital.  
  
I couldn't breathe.   
  
For God's sake, breathe.  
  
Help me to breathe!  
  
"RACHEL!!!!!!"  
  
He came towards me.  
  
A young doctor.  
  
He couldn't be older than thirty.  
  
With kind eyes.  
  
"Calm down, sir!"  
  
"Rachel! Where is she!? Tell me where she is?"  
  
He took me by the arm and forced me to stop and look at him.  
  
Panic ate at my heart.  
  
Slowly causing it to break.  
  
It was a painful death.  
  
But I deserved it.  
  
"Who are you looking for, sir?"  
  
I scanned the halls behind him, searching for her.  
  
"Rachel. Rachel Danes. My wife."  
  
There are glimpse of that day I remember.  
  
I can't remember the name of the doctor that told me.  
  
But I do remember his voice.  
  
I remember sounds.  
  
Smells.  
  
Of that day.  
  
Other things have been erased through time.  
  
I stood there in the hall when he told me.  
  
I remember that he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to talk.  
  
I should have known then.  
  
I should have prepared my heart.  
  
But I kept expecting it to be wrong.  
  
That there had been some kind of mistake.  
  
But not this time.  
  
The moment he told me.  
  
I can remember it so clearly.  
  
It seemed like the world stopped.  
  
Everything stopped.  
  
Even my heartbeat.  
  
"Rachel Danes was brought into the emergence room one hour ago with  
  
severe trauma to the head. She was unconscious upon arrival. She never  
  
regain consciousness. She was pronounced dead twenty minutes ago."  
  
I kept expecting to fall apart.  
  
To explode.  
  
But it didn't.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"NO! No!"  
  
I looked at him.  
  
This doctor.  
  
And I clung to him.  
  
"I'm sorry for your loss..."  
  
"No! There has to be some kind of mistake. She was just.."  
  
"I'm sorry. She was identified as Mrs. Rachel Danes..."  
  
With that I died.  
  
I broke.  
  
I have always been proud of my own strength.  
  
But something happened.  
  
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.  
  
With a cry I fell.  
  
"Rachel!!!!!!"  
  
That was all I was able to do.  
  
I screamed her name.  
  
A plead to the heavens to bring her back.  
  
To spare her.  
  
"Is there someone I can call?"  
  
The doctor again.  
  
I rose on week legs.  
  
Trying to steady myself.  
  
Trying to ignore the pain in my chest.  
  
Remember to breathe.  
  
Just remember to breathe.  
  
Then maybe.  
  
Just maybe I would survive.  
  
"No. No one...Take me to her."  
  
My voice was harsh.  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea.."  
  
"Just take me to her!"  
  
He did.  
  
I can't remember how I got into that room without  
  
falling apart.  
  
It was a painful death.  
  
I was shown into a room.  
  
They had laid her out on the bed.  
  
The only light in the room was the light that shimmered in from  
  
the hall.  
  
I lingered in the doorway  
  
Trying to breathe.  
  
Trying to make my heart move.  
  
Eventually I moved.  
  
Slowly.  
  
My legs felt like made of iron.  
  
Her face was so white.  
  
Almost transparent.  
  
She was beautiful.  
  
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor beside her bed.  
  
The darkness of this room surrounded me.  
  
Pure fear gripped at my heart and squeezed it so hard  
  
that I couldn't breathe.  
  
Pain.  
  
I rose on weak legs.  
  
I drank her beauty.  
  
Tears made my sight blurry.  
  
"Rachel, please don't do this..."  
  
My voice was barely a whisper.  
  
Silly words.  
  
Like I could stop it from happening.  
  
Too late.  
  
For everything.  
  
My hands trembled as I reached out and touched her.  
  
Cold.  
  
So cold.  
  
I fell to my knees once again.  
  
Bleeding now.  
  
Slowly dying.  
  
How could I let her go?  
  
Trembling hands.  
  
Searching to remember a woman I was losing.  
  
The feel of her skin against my hand.  
  
The smell of her hair.  
  
I leaned closer.  
  
Only seeing her.  
  
"Rachel...."  
  
How could I say goodbye?  
  
A voice was screaming in my ear.  
  
That I was to blame.  
  
Pain came knocking.  
  
Gripping at my heart.  
  
Whispering to it to break.  
  
I took her into my arms.  
  
Her cold shell of a body.  
  
I rocked just like a child.  
  
The pain that flushed over me was unbearable.  
  
I can't describe it.  
  
I sat there on her bed.  
  
With my wife in my arms.  
  
And cried.  
  
"Rachel, please..."  
  
Silly words.  
  
I know that.  
  
But my mind couldn't comprehend her leaving.  
  
Wouldn't listen.  
  
But the truth whispered.  
  
To let go.  
  
Tears marked my face as I lowered my mouth to hers.  
  
Wanting to remember.  
  
Cold lips against mine.  
  
Whispering my goodbyes against her lips:  
  
"I love you."  
  
------------------------------------  
  
It started two days earlier.  
  
It started with a letter.  
  
Then a phone call.  
  
I had expected that time would eventually calm  
  
her wanderlust.  
  
I believed that I could keep her by my side.  
  
But I should have learned from the past.  
  
Guess I was blind.  
  
Guess I was a fool.  
  
It took one year for her to grow weary of this town.  
  
Of this life.  
  
The need to see the world won over the need to stay.  
  
That day, I remember it so clearly.  
  
I never meant the harsh words I said.  
  
I was so determined to stand my ground.  
  
It was just a job in New York.  
  
But I knew that would just be the start.  
  
So I was determined to stop her.  
  
Harsh words were spoken.  
  
I tried to hold her back.  
  
But it was like trying to hold back a train.  
  
She wanted to go.  
  
And that hurt more than anything.  
  
So I did what I always have done.  
  
I pushed her away.  
  
Far away.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
As night fell I fled the crowds of the diner.  
  
At first I wanted to get the rage I felt out of my system.  
  
Anger of her leaving.  
  
Of being the fool again.  
  
My wanders brought me to the bridge.  
  
The moon kept me company as I sat down and tried to calm   
  
my beating heart.  
  
As I sat there staring into the night the anger inside   
  
of me subsided and was replaced by fear.  
  
It gripped at my heart,   
  
making me crumble.  
  
She was leaving again.  
  
She was walking out of my life and there was nothing I   
  
could do to stop her this time.  
  
"Luke?"  
  
Lorelai.  
  
She was standing just a few feet from me.  
  
I hadn't heard her coming.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"I might ask you the same."  
  
I wanted to be alone but I hadn't the heart to tell her.  
  
With a sigh she sat down beside me.  
  
"So what are we doing?"  
  
"We are not doing anything."  
  
"Okay. Shall we sing? 'Sitting on the dock of the bay', is  
  
perfect."  
  
"Lorelai!"  
  
"What? Don't like that one, huh?"  
  
"Lorelai, please!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Leave."  
  
"No. Not until you tell me what you're doing out here."  
  
"What's it to you?"  
  
"I want to know."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Just tell me what has happened."  
  
"She is leaving."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Rachel."  
  
"So?"  
  
"What do you mean so?"  
  
"So, she is leaving. She is coming back."  
  
"You don't know her like I do. When she gets an idea in her  
  
head. It doesn't stop there..."  
  
"So go with her."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not? It's not like it's forever."  
  
I looked at her.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
She knew.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It's some job in New York City. Then I don't know."  
  
"So what will you do?"  
  
"I don't know. Can you imagine me in New York? I wouldn't know  
  
what to do with myself."  
  
She smiles at me.  
  
"No."  
  
"We fought. I said some nasty things."  
  
"She will come back."  
  
"I'm not so sure anymore."  
  
"She loves you, Luke. She married you, remember?"  
  
"It's not that. It's this.."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"This town. This life. It's not for her. It has never been  
  
for her. I thought I could fool myself. But.."  
  
"She made the choice to stay."  
  
"And now she is leaving."  
  
"So what does that leave you?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
She took my hand and looked at me.  
  
Her hand was warm in mine.  
  
"Talk to her. Make her stay. Make her see..."  
  
"I don't know if that's is the right thing to do."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't know if I can do that to her. She would only hate me  
  
in the end."  
  
"No. I don't think she could ever hate you."  
  
"Oh, you don't know Rachel. She has a temper."  
  
"I believe you."  
  
"I know what I have to do..But I don't know how to."  
  
"What?"  
  
"To let her go."  
  
"Oh, Luke...."  
  
I looked at her again.  
  
My friend.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
"Am I doing the right thing?"  
  
"I can't answer that."  
  
"But I don't know who to let her go."  
  
"She will just be in New York and you here. It's not like this  
  
is the end for you two."  
  
"I'm not so sure."  
  
"You married her..."  
  
"Yeah, I did....But I know her...Her passion for travelling...  
  
She would never be happy to stay in one place too long. And I don't  
  
know if I can live like that..."  
  
"People have survived the experience."  
  
"Don't..."  
  
"You just have to work at it..."  
  
"Tell me that it's going to be all right in the end."  
  
"I can't do that. You know that."  
  
"Lie to me."  
  
"Luke..."  
  
She leaned closer to me and for a second I wanted to fall into  
  
her.  
  
I wanted to seek shelter in her arms.  
  
"Tell me how to stop loving her."  
  
"Nobody said that you have to stop loving her."  
  
"Then I know I would be okay in the end."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
I saw sorrow in her eyes.  
  
Concern.  
  
"You will be just fine."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I just know."  
  
"She is my wife."  
  
"I know that.  
  
"I just can't sit by and let this happen."  
  
"Maybe you just have to."  
  
"I don't know how I will survive her leaving."  
  
"Don't...You can do this...You are the strongest person I know."  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
Wanting to fall into her.  
  
Let her catch me for once.  
  
Fall.  
  
"I can't..."  
  
My voice was just a whisper.  
  
She framed her face between her hands and made me look at her.  
  
"She will come back. You have to believe that."  
  
She was so close now that I almost could pick up the scent that  
  
shimmered out from her body.  
  
She smelled of strawberries and coffee.  
  
"Lorelai..."  
  
I didn't think as I leaned closer to her.  
  
I just wanted shelter.  
  
I just wanted to think about something else besides the pain  
  
that kept eating at my heart.  
  
That kept slowly breaking me apart.  
  
So I fell into her.  
  
I gave in and finally let everything go.  
  
I lowered my mouth to her and brushed my lips against her.  
  
I wasn't ready.  
  
I wasn't ready for the fire that started as we touched.  
  
The storm that followed.  
  
She didn't move away.  
  
She didn't stop me.  
  
I ran my tongue against her lips.  
  
Tasting.  
  
Whispering to her to surrender.  
  
And she did.  
  
She gave me heaven.  
  
She tasted like coffee.  
  
I wanted her.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
Someone else.  
  
I wanted to replace the feeling inside with something else  
  
than fear.  
  
I wanted to find peace.  
  
I wanted something.  
  
Anything.  
  
And I found her.  
  
Suddenly reality hit and I pulled back from her.  
  
Soothing away the fire.  
  
Her eyes were dark as I looked at her.  
  
I rose.  
  
Wanting to run.  
  
TRAITOR!!  
  
That word kept chasing me around as our eyes met.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Then I walked away from her.  
  
END Part ONE of ?  
  
FEEDBACK-j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. Parting ways

Title: Holding on to nothing - Parting ways  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: Is the truth always necessary?   
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Luke and Rachel have been married for about a year.  
  
She never left Stars Hollow. Lorelai is still Lorelai..:)   
  
I promise, I swear..this time around..it will be a happy ending..  
  
Just bear with me.  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU: To Sandra for once again helping me..  
  
_______________________________________  
  
Holding on to nothing (2/?)  
  
"Parting ways"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
*******************  
  
The moon kept me company as I walked home.  
  
I found her in the darkness of the diner.  
  
Rachel.  
  
She was sitting by the counter.  
  
Her suitcase at her sides.  
  
"What are you doing here? Sitting in the dark."  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
I wanted to be angry.  
  
I wanted rage to fill me.  
  
But all I found was a feeling of despair.  
  
The feeling that I was losing everything all at once.  
  
"I came to say goodbye."  
  
"What are you talking about? We haven't finished talking..."  
  
"Oh, I think we have..."  
  
I reached for her.  
  
"Rachel.."  
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"  
  
She rose from the chair and looked at me.  
  
Anger filled her eyes.  
  
Sorrow.  
  
Pain.  
  
All those feelings flashed across her face.  
  
"After I left here...I drove around for hours...Trying to find...  
  
Oh, I don't know...I thought maybe we could....I came back here  
  
for an hour or so...You weren't here...So I asked Caesar. And he  
  
said that he had seen you walking towards the bridge. So I..."  
  
Fear hit me.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
She knew.  
  
I could see it in her eyes.  
  
I could almost see as the walls around her heart came crashing   
  
down all around us.  
  
I could see the knife in her heart turning.  
  
Causing her pain.  
  
"I saw you, Luke...."  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper.  
  
"It was just a mistake."  
  
"I heard you...What you said...Of letting me go..."  
  
"I meant..You said you were leaving."  
  
"I never said that I wasn't coming back."  
  
"Oh, I know you Rachel. You leave and..."  
  
"You are my husband, for God's sake. You think I just would  
  
give you up."  
  
"Then what are you doing now, Rachel? Huh?"  
  
"It's just a job, Luke."  
  
"No. It's never A job, Rachel. Not for you. This will just be  
  
the first of many....."  
  
"That doesn't mean that at the first sign of trouble...You would  
  
go and kiss.."  
  
"It was a mistake."  
  
"It didn't look like that."  
  
She moved away from me.  
  
Tears making their way across her cheeks.  
  
"Why did you do it? Why her?"  
  
"I never meant."  
  
"Oh, SHUT UP! I'm so tired of that...Lying like that."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Tell me the truth. Tell me that you don't love her."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Lorelai."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I saw you, Luke. I saw the look you gave her. I have tried to  
  
ignore it for so long. But I can't."  
  
"So you will just leave."  
  
"FOR GOD'S SAKE! You were kissing her."  
  
She came towards me.  
  
Anger flashing across her lovely face.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
She came towards me.  
  
Fist raised.  
  
I didn't back away.  
  
I deserved whatever pain she could cause me.  
  
She slammed her angry fist again my chest.  
  
Screaming.  
  
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES! DAMN YOU! I trusted you."  
  
I let her be.  
  
I let her take out her anger.  
  
Eventually she stopped.  
  
And fell towards me.  
  
I wrapped my arms around her and held her.  
  
She whispered:  
  
"Why did you do it, Luke? Why did you have to go and kiss her?"  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
  
I held her.  
  
Rocked her.  
  
"I loved you so....You are the only one I have ever truly loved."  
  
"I love you too..."  
  
She broke away from me.  
  
She looked at me.  
  
Wild eyes met mine.  
  
"No, Luke. Not this time. I won't fall for that once more."  
  
"What? Rachel.:"  
  
I reached for her.  
  
"No! Not this time. I won't hear those lies."  
  
"What lies? I'm telling you the truth!"  
  
"No! If you were telling me the truth you would never be kissing  
  
her."  
  
"It was a mistake."  
  
"I wish I could believe you."  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
"Please...I made a mistake..."  
  
"I can't..."  
  
I reached for her but she backed away.  
  
The pain in her made her eyes darker.  
  
I was losing her.  
  
I could feel it.  
  
I could feel how she was torn from me.  
  
How she fell.  
  
"Rachel..we can make it through.."  
  
"You..You were the only person I thought that never would hurt me."  
  
"I'm sorry...Please...You have to forgive me..."  
  
"I don't know if I can..."  
  
The pain ripped through me as I looked at her.  
  
"So you will just give up..."  
  
"I can't take this again..You hurt me.."  
  
She was close now.  
  
She didn't back away.  
  
Not this time.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"I know...And I wish I could take it back..."  
  
"Then tell me the truth.."  
  
"I told you..It was a mistake."  
  
"No, Luke..Tell me.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tell me that you haven't feelings for her."  
  
"She is my friend.."  
  
I moved away from her.  
  
"You're running.."  
  
"What? What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Try the truth."  
  
I looked at her.  
  
My wife.  
  
"I..."  
  
"Luke..Just tell me..."  
  
"I can't.."  
  
With those words she died.  
  
I could see it.  
  
"Please..."  
  
I turned towards her.  
  
I reached for her.  
  
Wanted to shorten the distance between us.  
  
But she turned away.  
  
"Rachel...don't...please."  
  
"All I'm asking for is the truth. Is that too much to ask?"  
  
"No, of course not."  
  
"Then..tell me. Look at me...Look at me and say that you don't  
  
have feeling for her. I know you, Luke. I have seen you."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
And for a moment it seemed like the world had stopped.  
  
Like nothing existed besides the diner.  
  
Nothing else.  
  
Just us.  
  
Then it struck.  
  
She understood.  
  
She could see the truth in me.  
  
The truth I have tried to bury deep inside of my heart.  
  
The truth I had denied.  
  
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at me.  
  
I reached for her once more.  
  
She had always been able to see through me.  
  
So easily.  
  
She pushed away my hand and looked at me.  
  
Pain painted her face.  
  
Sorrow.  
  
"NO! NO, LUKE!"  
  
"We can work this out...We can..."  
  
"NO! And how can you say that to me? How can you stand here and  
  
say that when I can see the truth?"  
  
"What truth?"  
  
"You love her!"  
  
"No, Rachel. I love you."  
  
"DON'T LIE TO ME!"  
  
"I..."  
  
She moved towards the door.  
  
Wanting to go.  
  
Flee.  
  
Something inside of me broke as I watched her open the door.  
  
Is it possible to love two people at the same time?  
  
Just differently.  
  
All I knew was that I wasn't ready to let go.  
  
Not yet.  
  
I wasn't ready to give up this life I had chosen.  
  
So I called out:  
  
"STOP! Rachel, please...stop."  
  
She stopped.  
  
With her hand on the doorknob.  
  
Ready to go.  
  
Leave me.  
  
She stood with her back turned.  
  
I stood there watching as pain ripped through her body.  
  
And I hated myself.  
  
I should be killed on the spot.  
  
For hurting her.  
  
I felt ill.  
  
But I needed her.  
  
Every part of me needed her.  
  
"Please, don't go. I'm begging you..."  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
Wanting to touch her.  
  
My hands screamed out for her.  
  
"I can't...."  
  
"Please, we can fix this..I can.."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Rachel..please.."  
  
I wanted to touch her.  
  
I was so close now that I almost could pick up the slightest scent of  
  
her hair.  
  
But I was afraid if I touched her now she would run.  
  
So I kept my hands at my sides.  
  
"Don't ask me, Luke. I can't...."  
  
Her hands trembled as she opened the door.  
  
"NO!"  
  
I pushed the door shut.  
  
Panic eating at my heart.  
  
"Luke..."  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper.  
  
"I will not lose you...."  
  
"You already have..."  
  
I died.  
  
In that moment my heart shattered.  
  
I stumbled backwards.  
  
I let go of the door.  
  
I had brought this on.  
  
This was entirely my fault.  
  
She opened the door, suitcase in one hand.  
  
Then she walked away from me.  
  
I didn't stop her this time.  
  
I let go.  
  
I surrendered.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------  
  
As the darkness surrounded her she walked the path to Lorelai  
  
Gilmore's house.  
  
Every move she made caused her pain.  
  
She had tried to steady herself.  
  
She had tried to be strong.  
  
Thinking the pain in her chest would eventually subside.  
  
But she knew the truth.  
  
A broken heart couldn't be mended so easily.  
  
She knocked on the door to the house of the woman she wanted so  
  
desperately to hate.  
  
But she couldn't.  
  
She couldn't even hate her rival.  
  
Guess she was weak.  
  
Lorelai Gilmore open just after a second.  
  
"Rachel?"  
  
"I saw you."  
  
She hadn't thought about what she would say.  
  
She hadn't made a speech.  
  
All she wanted was to calm her distraught heart.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
Lorelai stepped out on to the porch.  
  
Coming towards her.  
  
There eyes met.  
  
"I saw you, tonight. On the bridge."  
  
And then she knew.  
  
"Oh, Rachel...It..."  
  
"He kissed you. And you kissed him back."  
  
"It was a mistake."  
  
"Don't. I have heard it all."  
  
She reached for her.  
  
But she backed away.  
  
She looked at her friend.  
  
This woman that had become a friend as she came into Luke's life  
  
once again.  
  
This woman she considered a close friend.  
  
Traitor.  
  
"I'm so sorry...I don't.."  
  
"I didn't come here for sorries."  
  
"Then.."  
  
"Tell me the truth. Tell me that he doesn't love you:"  
  
"I can't answer that."  
  
"YES YOU CAN!"  
  
"Rachel, please. He loves you. He told me!"  
  
"Not enough..Not the way he loves you."  
  
"There's nothing between Luke and I."  
  
"Don't lie to me!"  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"I have seen the two of you. I have seen the way he looks at you   
  
and the way you look at him. Don't give me that."  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"How about the truth? Please, Lorelai..I thought we were friends.  
  
I deserve the truth."  
  
Tears made her sight blurry.  
  
"Rachel...He married you."  
  
"TELL ME THE TRUTH! GOD DAMMIT!"  
  
She moved closer.  
  
Anger.  
  
Sorrow.  
  
Pain.  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Do you love him, Lorelai?"  
  
"I can't.."  
  
"Tell me, please."  
  
"Rachel...don't do this.."  
  
"Just please..."  
  
There eyes met.  
  
"I love him."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
That was the only thing she could say.  
  
"But he married you. He loves you."  
  
"Not as much as he loves you..."  
  
Then she walked away from her.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
She had been so determined to find the truth.  
  
To erase the picture that burned in her mind.  
  
He had kissed her.  
  
The pain that ran through her veins was so great that  
  
she had a hard time breathing.  
  
She had gone to her to calm her heart.  
  
To be saved by a friend.  
  
She had kept telling herself that maybe she was wrong.  
  
That she was overreacting.  
  
But she knew the truth now.  
  
Warm summer rain came down from a darken sky as she moved.  
  
As she dared to move.  
  
She was slowly losing herself.  
  
Slowly but surely.  
  
She ran.  
  
Being chased by memories.  
  
By pain.  
  
Tears made her sight blurry.  
  
Under a blacken sky her heart shattered into millions  
  
of pieces.  
  
It was painful.  
  
She never saw the car.  
  
As the rain came down death came knocking.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Time passed quickly for the man of the hour.  
  
as the morning light came rolling in I knew the truth.  
  
I could feel it.  
  
I had lost her.  
  
She wasn't coming back this time.  
  
Guess I should surrender.  
  
Stop fighting.  
  
This was my fault.  
  
No one else.  
  
The phone ringing pierced the silence of the diner.  
  
I moved.  
  
Dared to move.  
  
In a single moment my life changed.  
  
A woman I didn't know told me the truth.  
  
Broke my heart.  
  
"Mr. Danes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"There's been an accident...."  
  
*************************************************  
  
Feedback...j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Next part is called "These are the things I never told you." 


	3. These are the things I never told you

Title: Holding on to nothing -   
  
These are the things I never told you  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: Is the truth always necessary?   
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Luke and Rachel have been married for about a year.  
  
She never left Stars Hollow. Lorelai is still Lorelai..:)   
  
I promise, I swear..this time around..it will be a happy ending..  
  
Just bear with me.  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU: Sandra for being the greatest beta reader I have found...;)  
  
*******************************  
  
"Remember me when I am gone away,   
  
Gone far away into the silent land;   
  
When you can no more hold me by the hand,   
  
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.   
  
Remember me when no more day by day   
  
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:   
  
Only remember me; you understand   
  
It will be late to counsel then or pray.   
  
Yet if you should forget me for a while   
  
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:   
  
For if the darkness and corruption leave   
  
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,   
  
Better by far you should forget and smile   
  
Than that you should remember and be sad."  
  
("Remember" by: Christina Georgina Rossetti )   
  
_______________________  
  
Holding on to nothing (3/?)  
  
"These are the things I never told you"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
***************************  
  
It's the little things I remember about that day.  
  
The day we laid her to rest.  
  
It was raining.  
  
I remember how the rain felt against my skin.  
  
I remember the sound of the rain beating, angrily   
  
against the wooden coffin.  
  
I remember voices that tried to mend my heart.  
  
They had come from all over the country to say goodbye to her.  
  
People I didn't know.  
  
Faces I had never seen.  
  
We buried her under a big oak tree overlooking the town.  
  
I know she would have liked this place.  
  
I had picked out the flowers.  
  
The coffin that would be her final resting place.  
  
No one else would.  
  
I opened the diner as usual that day.  
  
I woke early and for a brief second I reached for her  
  
beside me in the bed.  
  
Somewhere in between awake and asleep my mind still believed  
  
she was with me.  
  
Silly me.  
  
But I died.  
  
I died every day I woke up without her beside me in the bed.  
  
It was a painful death when my mind remembered.  
  
When memories brought back her living face.  
  
I rose every day.  
  
The need to survive won over my own longing to die.  
  
So I rose.  
  
Wanting to feel the pain I had caused.  
  
She came into the diner just before I was about to close.  
  
She was dressed in a black dress.  
  
Her hair shone.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
Beauty.  
  
And I hated myself for seeing the beauty in her.  
  
She walked up to me where I stood.  
  
Pride glowing in me.  
  
I refused to stumble.  
  
I wanted to show that I was doing all right.  
  
"Luke..."  
  
"Lorelai..."  
  
Silence.  
  
She sat down at the counter.  
  
She avoided my eyes as she spoke:  
  
"I came for..."  
  
"I know why you came."  
  
"Luke..."  
  
"Don't, Lorelai..."  
  
I wanted to run from her.  
  
But I couldn't.  
  
Maybe it was time to face her.  
  
So I stood my ground as she lifted her gaze towards me.  
  
"Please, Luke..We need to talk about...I need to talk."  
  
"No! We have nothing to talk about."  
  
Then I walked away from her and left her there at  
  
the counter in my own diner.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
I laid the suit out the day before.  
  
I had picked the right shoes to go with.  
  
Even the tie.  
  
Everything was ready as I walked upstairs.  
  
I peel of my clothes in the afternoon sun.  
  
Then I head into the shower.  
  
I stand there and let the cold water wash over my body.  
  
Trying to feel.  
  
Anything.  
  
Trying to get my cold shell of a body warm.  
  
No use.  
  
Then I grant myself a few minutes in front of the mirror.  
  
Then I return into the living room.  
  
To put on my suit.  
  
To get ready.  
  
For saying goodbye to her.  
  
-----------------------------------------------  
  
I stood there a long time after the mourners had come and gone.  
  
Staring at her coffin.  
  
Trying to find the right words to say goodbye to her.  
  
How do you say goodbye?  
  
How do you let go?  
  
How do you let go of someone that you have loved for so long?  
  
Several lifetimes.  
  
I stood there while the rain washed over me trying to find  
  
some words.  
  
Anything.  
  
Alone I stood.  
  
"I never meant..."  
  
Silly.  
  
Like she could hear me.  
  
But I needed something.  
  
To talk to a coffin.  
  
So I stood there.  
  
Talking to no one.  
  
"I never meant any of this to happen.....I thought..I was mad...  
  
I was afraid to lose you.....God, I don't..."  
  
I kept seeing her face.  
  
The pain in her eyes when she told me.  
  
"I'm sorry for everything...I wish there were some way I could   
  
take it all back...That.."  
  
Silence.  
  
My words seemed so small.  
  
I had so much inside of me that it felt like I was going to  
  
explode at any moment but it was only my skin that kept me whole.  
  
The pain struck me hard as I dared to move.  
  
I stumbled forward on weak legs.  
  
My hands trembled as I reached out and touched the coffin.  
  
Wanting to be near her.  
  
"Rachel...I'm sorry for so many things..I should have told you   
  
more that I loved you...I should have held on to you...and never  
  
let go..I should...have.."  
  
My voice faded to black.  
  
In that moment something inside of me broke.  
  
And I fell.  
  
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the ground.  
  
Tears made my sight blurry.  
  
"Come back, please...Come back to me..I don't..I can't..I don't  
  
know how to go on without you..To breathe without you..It feels  
  
like I'm slowly dying..God, it hurts..."  
  
I lifted my head towards the black sky.  
  
Letting the rain wash over my face.  
  
A silent plea to a God that wasn't listening.  
  
To bring her back to me.  
  
To have mercy on a bleeding heart.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
I don't remember how I got home.  
  
All I can remember is waking up in my own bed.  
  
The moon was the only light in the room as I rose.  
  
Trying to move without breaking.  
  
Fearing I would fall apart if I moved too fast.  
  
Trying not to actually feel.  
  
I changed my clothes and headed downstairs.  
  
To try to erase memories.  
  
To work.  
  
Easier than dealing with the pain.  
  
I moved around the diner trying to not remember.  
  
Trying not to feel her present.  
  
I have never worked that hard.  
  
A knock on the door brought me back to reality.  
  
The clock on the wall showed little after one in the morning.  
  
It was still dark outside.  
  
She was standing at my door.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
She looked tired.  
  
Like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.  
  
"Luke..."  
  
"Lorelai..What are you doing here? It's one in the morning."  
  
"I saw your light and I thought..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I need to..."  
  
I knew what she wanted but I hadn't the strength to face her.  
  
Not yet.  
  
"No, Lorelai...Not now..I can't..."  
  
I backed away from her.  
  
She came towards me.  
  
"We need to talk, Luke..We need to talk about."  
  
"No, Lorelai...Go home.."  
  
"How can you say that!?"  
  
I looked at her.  
  
This woman I had wanted for so long.  
  
But as I stood there I felt nothing.  
  
I was empty inside.  
  
"I buried her today...and you come here.."  
  
"We need to talk about what happened."  
  
I walked away from her.  
  
She came after.  
  
I could hear the door shut.  
  
I stopped in front of the counter.  
  
I could feel her behind me.  
  
"How can you come hear today and ask me to..."  
  
"All I want is to talk..."  
  
I turned towards her.  
  
Her eyes were dark as she looked at me.  
  
They seemed to occupy her whole face.  
  
"We have nothing to talk about..."  
  
I could see the pain that flashed across her face.  
  
"How can..."  
  
"We killed her."  
  
I wanted the pain to rip through her.  
  
I wanted her to feel the pain.  
  
The need to blame someone won over the need to find peace.  
  
She backed away from me.  
  
Tears made its presence known in her eyes.  
  
"Don't say that!"  
  
"She stood here in this room and told me that she had seen us..  
  
She was there, Lorelai.."  
  
"..when you kissed me."  
  
"And you kissed me, remember?"  
  
"I.."  
  
"Don't lie, Lorelai.."  
  
"I never thought..."  
  
"She was waiting for me when I come home and she told me..She stood  
  
here and told me...God..I hurt her...I broke her heart...and I hate  
  
myself for doing that to her...I wish.."  
  
"I know."  
  
"No, you don't. NO! You don't know. How can you know the feeling  
  
of losing everything all at once?"  
  
"Luke, please.."  
  
"No! I lost her that day...She walked away from here and..."  
  
"She came to me, Luke."  
  
The pain struck me, hard.  
  
I almost stumbled.  
  
"No..You're lying."  
  
"No, Luke. She came to me and asked me.."  
  
It couldn't be true.  
  
It had to be a lie.  
  
"Asked you what?"  
  
"About what happened."  
  
"What did you tell her?"  
  
"The truth..."  
  
"What truth?"  
  
"About the kiss..and the way..."  
  
"What? What else?"  
  
"She asked me..Rachel asked me if...I had feelings for you."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I said yes..."  
  
"No!"  
  
"It's the truth..."  
  
I never knew pain like that.  
  
"How can you come here today and..."  
  
"I needed..."  
  
"I loved her..She made me happy."  
  
"I know that."  
  
"Then why did you come here, today?"  
  
"I thought I might help."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"Everything."  
  
"What possible things can you help me with, Lorelai?"  
  
"Don't be like that, Luke."  
  
"No, answer me, Lorelai."  
  
"I don't.."  
  
"You brought this on."  
  
"No, Luke...It was an accident."  
  
"You did this with your mind games."  
  
"Please, Luke..I never meant.."  
  
"What did you think would happen?"  
  
"I just wanted to tell the truth."  
  
"What possible things could come from it?"  
  
"She asked me...I told her the truth."  
  
"You drove her to her death."  
  
"Don't say that.  
  
I wanted so badly to hurt her.  
  
I wanted to make her feel the pain that ripped through  
  
me with every breath I took.  
  
"It's the truth, isn't it?"  
  
"No..I never thought.."  
  
"That's you, Lorelai. You don't think. Have you ever considered   
  
how you affect other people? No you don't. You came in here every  
  
day for the last couple of years..playing your games.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Flirting. Smiling..Turning heads. But when I finally found happiness  
  
you couldn't take it...You just had to ruin it."  
  
"It wasn't like that."  
  
I moved towards her.  
  
I wanted to break her.  
  
Make her fall.  
  
Hurt her.  
  
"Then tell me. Why, Lorelai? You just couldn't leave it alone."  
  
"She asked me..She came to me. And asked."  
  
"You could have lied..Told her something, anything..."  
  
"I couldn't."  
  
She backed away from me.  
  
Trying to run again.  
  
"Why, Lorelai? Why her?"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"No, you're not sorry."  
  
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at me.  
  
I saw pain there.  
  
Sorrow.  
  
But I didn't care.  
  
Not this time.  
  
I had no mercy as I moved towards her.  
  
I wanted to break her.  
  
Cause her pain.  
  
I refused to fall this time.  
  
Not ever again.  
  
"Don't say that. She was my friend."  
  
"She was never your friend."  
  
"How can you say that!?"  
  
"I know you, Lorelai. People like her..You hated her."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"You disliked her from the moment she stepped into the diner."  
  
"Yeah, sure I will admit it...I disliked her...But not for the  
  
reason you thought...I had heard the stories about you two...I knew  
  
the pain she had caused you..And I didn't want it to happen again."  
  
"What's it to you what I do and don't do? It's my life and  
  
it's my business I decide to ....love.."  
  
My voice faded to black.  
  
I backed away from her.  
  
She reached for me.  
  
Her hand brushed mine and for a single moment I wanted  
  
to fall into her.  
  
So sure she would catch me.  
  
And maybe then I would forget about the world for a while.  
  
It would be so simple.  
  
To let somebody hold me.  
  
For once.  
  
But my heart kept remembering.  
  
Seeing.  
  
Hearing the voices that had brought me this pain.  
  
"The doctor told me...Some doctor..I can't remember his name..Not  
  
even his face..But I do remember his voice..."  
  
I didn't know why I told her.  
  
But I needed to tell someone.  
  
Before I exploded.  
  
Before this pain killed me.  
  
I kept hearing the doctors voice.  
  
DID YOU KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT?  
  
"He told me...right after...That she..That Rachel...was pregnant.."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
Tears marked her face.  
  
"Jesus...I didn't know."  
  
"She was going to have my child, Lorelai..A baby.."  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
  
She moved closer to me.  
  
She took my hand.  
  
It felt so nice to feel a humans touch.  
  
To feel the warmth of somebody.  
  
Even her.  
  
Tears came suddenly.  
  
Crashing through my barricades.  
  
Causing the walls around my heart to fall.  
  
Leaving me vulnerble.  
  
I looked at her now.  
  
My friend.  
  
The one that I had loved for so long that I was blind   
  
for every one else.  
  
That I didn't let anybody else in.  
  
And that had caused me to let go of the only true thing in  
  
my life.  
  
To let her go.  
  
Rachel.  
  
My love.  
  
But I needed her now.  
  
My friend.  
  
I needed her arms.  
  
I fell towards her.  
  
I wanted to lose myself in her.  
  
For once.  
  
I wanted her to erase the pain that caused my world  
  
to be black.  
  
I wanted her to save me.  
  
Save me.  
  
"Why? I loved her....."  
  
My legs gave away and I fell.  
  
I crumbled to the ground.  
  
She kneeled down beside me and wrapped her arms around me.  
  
I needed the strength of her arms.  
  
I needed her tonight.  
  
"I loved her..."  
  
"I know.."  
  
"Bring her back...please...I needed her....Please.."  
  
I buried my nose in her shirt.  
  
And I cried.  
  
The moon shone in through the window as she helped me   
  
into bed.  
  
She helped my broken body into the warmth of my bed.  
  
She lay down beside me.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
She wrapped her arms around me.  
  
Held me.  
  
While the storm raged inside of me.  
  
And eventually I fell into the deep release of sleep.  
  
I rose from the bed just before the sun touched the earth.  
  
She was still sleeping.  
  
I knew what I had to do.  
  
I didn't need much.  
  
I dressed in the early light of day.  
  
I stood at her bedside.  
  
Lingered there for a second.  
  
"Goodbye.."  
  
Then I moved.  
  
Dared to actually move my broken body.  
  
I walked downstairs and out the door.  
  
I started the truck.  
  
My rusty truck.  
  
As the sun rose I headed out of town.  
  
Setting out on narrow way.  
  
Trying to kill those voices that proclaimed my own  
  
guilt in all of this.  
  
Searching for peace.  
  
And maybe one day I will find it.  
  
The things I crave for.  
  
Peace.  
  
Maybe  
  
One day even I will be free.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Lorelai Gilmore was awaken by the morning sun.  
  
She reached for him.  
  
All she found was an empty space beside her in the bed.  
  
The bed felt cold after he had left it.  
  
He was gone.  
  
The house was still.  
  
Calm.  
  
She just knew.  
  
He was gone.  
  
She could feel it.  
  
But she refused to surrender.  
  
She told herself to believe.  
  
That one day  
  
he would come back to her.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Feedback -----j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Next part is called "Praying for blue skies" and is set five years  
  
after the events of this story. 


	4. Praying for blue skies

Title: Holding on to nothing-  
  
Praying for blue skies  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: After Luke left Stars Hollow Lorelai finally surrenders  
  
And admit her feelings. It ends in a letter to him....  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: This is set five years into the future.  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU:Sandra, for being a great beta reader and for putting  
  
up with me...  
  
****************************************  
  
"I TOOK my heart in my hand   
  
(O my love, O my love),   
  
I said: Let me fall or stand,   
  
Let me live or die,   
  
But this once hear me speak   
  
(O my love, O my love)   
  
Yet a woman's words are weak;   
  
You should speak, not I.   
  
  
  
You took my heart in your hand   
  
With a friendly smile,   
  
With a critical eye you scann'd,   
  
Then set it down,   
  
And said, 'It is still unripe,   
  
Better wait awhile;   
  
Wait while the skylarks pipe,   
  
Till the corn grows brown.'   
  
As you set it down it broke   
  
Broke, but I did not wince;   
  
I smiled at the speech you spoke,   
  
At your judgement I heard:   
  
But I have not often smiled   
  
Since then, nor question'd since,   
  
Nor cared for cornflowers wild,   
  
Nor sung with the singing bird."  
  
( From "Twice" by Christina Georgina Rossetti )   
  
***************************  
  
Holding on to nothing (4/6)  
  
Praying for blue skies  
  
by: Jessica  
  
***************************  
  
She let her anger consume her for a long time after he had left.  
  
The longing she once felt grew into bitterness.  
  
She refused to speak his name.  
  
She didn't even walk past the closed diner.  
  
But as weeks grew into months the anger and bitterness she felt  
  
eventually subsided and she settled into acceptance.  
  
She let go of all the anger and pain she once felt and started  
  
to accept that he was gone.  
  
But sometimes when she lay alone at night memories came knocking  
  
and she remembered a night, an evening on the bridge, when they  
  
had shared something special.  
  
But she always told herself that she needed to forget.  
  
To accept that he wasn't coming back.  
  
So she pushed her memories back, far back, and tried to move on.  
  
She gave herself to her job.  
  
To her daughter.  
  
To friends.  
  
And eventually as the months grew into years she proudly proclaimed  
  
that she was free of the man she once had loved.  
  
At the anniversary of her friends' death she walked the path to  
  
the cemetery to lay down flowers at her grave.  
  
To talk to a tombstone.  
  
And as she stood there, in the pouring rain, she let herself   
  
remember the man she had let go.  
  
The man that got away.  
  
She said goodbye that day, in so many ways.  
  
And when she got home that day she sat down at her desk.  
  
The one she hadn't used for years.  
  
And she wrote a letter.  
  
She was never good at writing letters.  
  
But she needed to put words to the feelings that had   
  
haunted her for months now.  
  
Her hand trembled a bit as she reached for the pen.  
  
She sat there a while, listening to the sound of the pouring rain  
  
outside her window.  
  
And finally she began to write.  
  
Finally she let go and talked to him.  
  
The man she loved.  
  
The man she had given her heart to.  
  
"Dear Luke,  
  
I don't know if this will ever reach you.  
  
I don't even know if you are alive.  
  
But something is telling me that you are.  
  
I have never been a writer.  
  
I'm no good with words.  
  
But I'm writing this anyway.  
  
Because it feels like I'm going to explode  
  
if I keep quiet any longer.  
  
I was so angry after you left.  
  
I wanted so desperately to hate you for what  
  
you did.  
  
For all the things you said to me that night.  
  
But I can't.  
  
And a part of me hated myself for not being  
  
able to stay mad at you.  
  
But I just can't.  
  
I have never been able to stay mad at you.  
  
You are my best friend.  
  
You are the one I run to when I need shelter.  
  
The one I rely on.  
  
You are a part of my life.  
  
A part of me.  
  
So that evening on the bridge.  
  
That kiss.  
  
You gave me heaven that night.  
  
Only to take it back again.  
  
That kiss, whispered of something else and  
  
opened my eyes.  
  
And I finally realized.  
  
And I finally was strong enough to face my own  
  
heart.  
  
I was ready to open my heart again.  
  
And as I walked home that night I knew the truth.  
  
The truth I had kept hidden so well.  
  
That I loved you.  
  
Those words seem so small when you are not here.  
  
But I don't know how to let you know how I feel about you.  
  
The love I feel inside it's bigger than me and for   
  
a moment it scared me.  
  
For I have never felt this strong for anybody.  
  
I will not beg you to come home.  
  
To come to me.  
  
I will not tell you to return if the memories are too painful.  
  
But know one thing.  
  
I love you.  
  
Me.  
  
Just me.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
And I'm not scared anymore.  
  
And if you let me I promise you that I will not let you part  
  
from me ever again.  
  
But if this letter is going nowhere and is never opened  
  
and never read I will still be glad.  
  
Because I have spoken the truth.  
  
I have finally opened up my heart.  
  
And I know that I will be okay.  
  
I love you,  
  
Lorelai Gilmore.  
  
Her hand trembled a bit as she signed her name and sealed the  
  
envelope.  
  
It was over.  
  
She was ready now.  
  
To let go.  
  
___________________________  
  
Outside Seattle, Washington,  
  
Five years later.  
  
__________________________  
  
The rain came down from a darken sky the morning it arrived.  
  
The envelope was torn and the address was smudged and changed  
  
several times.  
  
I recognized her handwriting at once.  
  
I still remembered.  
  
My hands trembled as I sat down in my favorite chair   
  
and started to read.  
  
I don't know how long I sat there.  
  
Outside my window the rain had finally given away for   
  
the mighty sun.  
  
I rose and went into the kitchen to get something to drink.  
  
My legs felt weak.  
  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
  
I stood there by the sink, trying not to fall.  
  
Lorelai Gilmore.  
  
She belonged to the past.  
  
But as I stood there, clinging to the sink, all the   
  
memories I had tried to hold back came crashing down   
  
on me all at once.  
  
And I crumbled for them.  
  
When I left Stars Hollow I was so convinced that I could  
  
find answers somewhere out there.  
  
That I could find the peace my soul craved for.  
  
I went the world around trying to mend my heart.  
  
Trying to find my place.  
  
Trying to deal with the pain.  
  
There were times when the pain was so intense  
  
that I thought about ending it all.  
  
I spend one lonely night in a motel room  
  
in the middle of nowhere with a gun to my temple.  
  
Battling demons.  
  
It would be so easy.  
  
To put me out of my misery.  
  
Just a squeeze of the hand.  
  
But something happened that night.  
  
It's funny how clearly you see your life when  
  
you are about to end it all.  
  
Fighting all my demons took time.  
  
But I won that night.  
  
I can't remember how I did it and   
  
I don't care anyway.  
  
All I know is that I'm here.  
  
But I know one thing:  
  
I might have won the battle but I didn't  
  
win the war.  
  
That was two years ago.  
  
How I ended up here is still a mystery even for me.  
  
But I have found my place.  
  
At least that was what I thought.  
  
I was content with my life.  
  
I wasn't whole but I was slowly getting there.  
  
Then this happened.  
  
A letter.  
  
It felt like my whole world came crashing down all at once.  
  
Just because of her.  
  
I moved into the living room and sat back down in my favorite  
  
chair.  
  
What was I supposed to do?  
  
The letter was dated five years ago.  
  
Five years was a long time.  
  
A lifetime.  
  
Was I ready to go back?  
  
Did I want to go back?  
  
Her lovely words found their way through the barricades  
  
I had built around my heart and touched it.  
  
Gently.  
  
Softly.  
  
Heavenly.  
  
It would be so easy just to ignore it all.  
  
To go back to this life.  
  
To be alone.  
  
The choice I had made.  
  
But I wasn't ready.  
  
To let go of the life I once had.  
  
To let her go.  
  
Maybe I was too late.  
  
I don't know.  
  
But I had to find out.  
  
I had to kill the demons that kept raging  
  
inside of me once and for all.  
  
And maybe I was ready to let her inside.  
  
To let her love me.  
  
So maybe it was time to go back.  
  
To the start.  
  
To try to win her heart.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Next part is called "You don't know how good you are" 


	5. You don't know how good you are

Title: You don't know how good you are  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: Luke finally returns to Stars Hollow after staying away  
  
For five years and he wants to make amends...  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Set five years into the future...  
  
I just want to say...Thank god for music and specially Kristoffer  
  
Åström & Hidden truck. If you're a fan of the show "Everwood", then  
  
you could hear one of his songs "Connected" in the episode "Vegetative  
  
state." If not check him out!  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
********************************  
  
"I ain't gonne hurt no more now  
  
No more chances  
  
I'm not even gonna try now  
  
No more romances  
  
And though I'm falling deeper now  
  
I'm not gonna feel a thing  
  
I'm not gonna hurt no more now  
  
No more chances."  
  
(From "One good moment" by Kristoffer Åström & Hidden truck)  
  
********************************  
  
Holding on to nothing (5/6)  
  
You don't know how good you are  
  
by: Jessica  
  
*************************  
  
The sun warmed my face as I climbed out of my truck.  
  
I had entered Stars Hollow a sunny day in the middle of June.  
  
The first thing that struck me as I drove   
  
up beside the diner and got out was that nothing had changed.  
  
Five years had passed since I had left  
  
but it looked like it was just yesterday.  
  
My hands trembled a little as I turned the key  
  
and entered the diner.  
  
Memories came towards me as soon as I stepped into my own home.  
  
Memories from time gone by.  
  
But I was stronger now.  
  
And I was ready now to face it all.  
  
The first one that came to my door was Taylor.  
  
He hadn't changed a bit.  
  
He was the same old Taylor.  
  
Talking about the town.  
  
What was best.  
  
They came all by.  
  
One by one.  
  
To talk.  
  
And I listened.  
  
And smiled.  
  
And I realized that I was home.  
  
As the moon devoured the sun as the dark wrapped the town  
  
in a soft blanket I left the safety of the diner.  
  
I thought about going to her.  
  
I even thought about calling just to hear her voice.  
  
But I didn't know if she still was here.  
  
Maybe she had left.  
  
I didn't dare to ask.  
  
And I knew it was too soon.  
  
For both of us.  
  
My walk brought me to the cemetery   
  
and her grave.  
  
It had been a long time since I had stood there last.  
  
Talking to a tombstone.  
  
"I'm back, Rachel. And I'm doing fine..Well, I'm getting there."  
  
Acting crazy again.  
  
Talking to myself.  
  
"I will not lie to you. I have had it rough. I thought I could run  
  
from you. From everything....I know now that I was wrong."  
  
As I stood there the moon came out behind the clouds  
  
to show its face.  
  
And I was able to smile as I stood there.  
  
"You know what. I'm not going to cry anymore. I will not blame  
  
myself for what happened. The guilt I felt after I lost you was so  
  
powerful that I almost lost myself. But I got through it. Don't ask  
  
me how. But I made it. And here I am. Still standing. But I'm not  
  
whole..not for a long shot."   
  
The moon kept me company as I stood there talking to the tombstone.  
  
"But I realized...This..this crazy town is my home...And I thought  
  
I could start over some other place...But this town is a part of me..  
  
And wherever I went it kept chasing me around...Until I realized..  
  
Until...She wrote me a letter, Rachel...Lorelai wrote me a letter...  
  
HAH, I never pegged her as the letter kind of girl....But...she did...  
  
She told me..."  
  
My hands trembled a little as I reached inside of my jacket pocket  
  
and pulled out the letter.  
  
It had never left my side since the day it came to me.  
  
I used to read it over and over again.  
  
Running my hand over its surface.  
  
Imagined her face when she wrote it.  
  
Acting silly.  
  
"She told me she loved me....It was so beautiful...I thought I had  
  
put her behind me...But I was wrong I know that now..I don't know  
  
how it happened...How I fell...But I have....I love her, Rachel...  
  
I love her as much as I loved you....And I will try to win her  
  
heart...Pray for me my darling'...."  
  
With a smile I folded the letter up and put it back in my pocket where  
  
it belonged.  
  
Then I blew her a kiss and walked away.   
  
I was determined to win.  
  
---------------------------  
  
It took five days for me to work up the courage to even  
  
drive past her house.  
  
Another to go to her.  
  
It was late afternoon as I drove up beside her house.  
  
I had a hard time breathing as I walked the path to her home.  
  
And knocked on her door.  
  
The door flew open and there she was.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
Her hair was longer.  
  
Her skin was painted by the sun.  
  
She was wonderful.  
  
She spoke first.  
  
"Luke....what..."  
  
"Lorelai..."  
  
I smiled.  
  
That was all I was able to do.  
  
"What are you doing here!?"  
  
"Hello to you too.."  
  
Then she was in my arms.  
  
I opened my arms for her and spun her around.  
  
So happy to hold her again.  
  
She felt light as a feather.  
  
I put her down and looked at her.  
  
"Lookin' good as always..."  
  
"Luke Danes...O my GOD!"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"God..I thought..."  
  
"Well, here I am. Aren't you going to invite me in!"  
  
"Sure.."  
  
She showed me into the kitchen.  
  
It felt like time had stood still as I stepped inside the  
  
home of the Gilmore girls.  
  
Nothing had changed.  
  
Nothing at all.  
  
We sat down at the kitchen table.  
  
"Want something...Coffee?"  
  
"Coffee, huh? Still at it.."  
  
"Keeps me going.."  
  
"Yeah...sure I'll have a cup..."  
  
Silence followed.  
  
I sat there watching as she made the coffee.  
  
Searching for words.  
  
"Where's Rory?"  
  
"Yale."  
  
"So...not Harvard.."  
  
"No..But she is happy...Got a new boyfriend...Josh something.. "  
  
"Oh..she's getting big."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
She gave a cup.  
  
I took a sip and looked at her.  
  
Her eyes met mine.  
  
And I saw something there.  
  
Something I couldn't name.  
  
"So, what's been happening around these parts?"  
  
My mouth seemed to have a life of its own.  
  
"Nothing...Sookie has a daughter. Mary. She'll be two in August."  
  
"What about the Inn you guys were talkin' about opening?"  
  
"Oh...We did."  
  
She smiled.  
  
Her face seemed to lit up.  
  
"You did. I'm happy for you...."  
  
"Yeah...you should see it...It's perfect.."  
  
"I'm sure it is.."  
  
I took her hand in mine.  
  
I don't know why I did it.  
  
I just wanted.  
  
Something.  
  
She bolted.  
  
Her reaction surprised me.  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Lorelai?"  
  
I rose.  
  
"Don't do that."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"That!"  
  
"What? Taking your hand?"  
  
"Yeah, that..:"  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"I don't..."  
  
"You don't want me to touch you."  
  
"No..it's just.."  
  
"What then?"  
  
"You can't just.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You can't just come here and expect me to fall to my feet.."  
  
"I didn't."  
  
"Then..what do you want from me?"  
  
"I just came here to talk."  
  
"To talk."  
  
"Yeah:"  
  
"Then talk.."  
  
"I wanted to talk about.."  
  
"About what? The weather? About politics? Music?"  
  
She backed away from me.  
  
Fear living in her eyes.  
  
"You know what I want to talk about."  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"I've no idea why you have come back..."  
  
"We need to talk. You know that."  
  
"I think you made your point when you left.."  
  
"Don't be like that..."  
  
"Be like what? You come here and you expect me act like nothing  
  
has happened..Like we see each other every day."  
  
"I just want to talk...try to explain..."  
  
"Explain? HAH, that's rich! You explain..You talk..I thought  
  
the mighty Luke Danes only grunts..."  
  
"Lorelai..."  
  
"No! You want to talk about what happened! Let's talk..You want to  
  
know what it was like after you left?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"I was so angry with you for along time after you left."  
  
"Lorelai.."  
  
"No, let me ... She was my friend, Luke."  
  
"I don't want to talk about Rachel."  
  
"We never talked about what happened."  
  
"We did."  
  
"No, Luke. You talked. You never let me exlain."  
  
"You have nothing to explain."  
  
"She was my friend, Luke. Even though I didn't know her as long as  
  
you did I still considered her my friend. I liked her, Luke."  
  
"I know you did."  
  
"But still you stood here that night and accused me of.."  
  
"I was wrong. I.."  
  
"You broke my heart that night."  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't know.."  
  
"I came to you that night to open up...To tell you."  
  
"I know."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"You broke me that night. I never knew you could hurt me like you did."  
  
"I'm so sorry for that."  
  
"You weren't alone in losing her."  
  
"I know..."  
  
I moved away from her.  
  
I kept remembering that night.  
  
That night in the diner.  
  
When anger got the best out of me.  
  
"I don't know what you want me to say."  
  
"I want you to know...what it feels like. To have you heart broken  
  
like that."  
  
"I already know."  
  
"But still you accused me of such awful things."  
  
"Lorelai.."  
  
"No, Luke..I don't know why you come back and I'm not sure if I   
  
want to know..:"  
  
"I..."  
  
"Oh, just leave...Why don't you just go back to wherever you came  
  
from and leave me be!?"  
  
Then she walked away from me.  
  
I stood there in the middle of her kitchen and watched her walk away   
  
from me.  
  
It felt like something broke apart as I watched her leave.  
  
I had hurt her.  
  
Caused her pain.  
  
I found her by the window.  
  
She stood with her back turned.  
  
My hands trembled a little as I moved closer to her.  
  
But I didn't dare to touch her.  
  
"I didn't come back here to hurt you."  
  
"Then why have you come?"  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper.  
  
"Lorelai..."  
  
She turned towards me.  
  
Pride glowing in her eyes.  
  
"No, Luke. Why in God's name did you come back? Why now?   
  
After all these years.."  
  
"Because.."  
  
"Because what?"  
  
"This."  
  
I gave her the letter and for a brief second our hands touched.  
  
I tried to ignore the feeling inside as she pulled away from me.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"I wrote this five years ago."  
  
"You asked me...why I came back."  
  
"The letter."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Luke, look...I was younger then and lonely."  
  
"You said that you loved me."  
  
"I have said a lot of things."  
  
"I came back because I need to know if...there's still time. That  
  
I'm not too late."  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
My hands screamed out to touch her.  
  
"Luke..."  
  
"I'm not ready to let you go."  
  
"You can't just come here and.."  
  
"I love you."  
  
I could see pain in her eyes as I reached out my hand to touch her.  
  
Just to know what it felt like.  
  
But she backed away from me.  
  
Fear gripped at her heart.  
  
"No..."  
  
"Lorelai.."  
  
She moved fast.  
  
Anger flashed across her face as she slammed her fists into me.  
  
I let her be.  
  
I deserved the pain she brought with her.  
  
I had caused her pain.  
  
"Damn you, Luke! Damn you for coming here like some fucking hero!"  
  
She surrendered to the storm inside of her and fell against me.  
  
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her towards me.  
  
"All I want is you."  
  
Suddenly she broke away from me.  
  
Her eyes were wild as she stumbled backwards.  
  
"No! NO! You just can't come here and say things like that and  
  
expect me to fall to my feet..."  
  
"Lor, please..."  
  
"No! I will not go there again."  
  
"All I want is a second chance."  
  
"Why, Luke? Why should I?"  
  
I stood before her seeing the fear in her eyes.  
  
"Because I love you."  
  
"I don't believe you."  
  
I reached for her.  
  
Wanting to touch her.  
  
"Lorelai.."  
  
"No, I will not do the same mistake twice."  
  
I stopped.  
  
"Mistake?"  
  
"Yes, mistake."  
  
"What mistake?"  
  
"Of believing in you."  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
"I gave myself to you that night...I was there for you and I thought..  
  
that maybe you would stay with me..That we could make it through   
  
together...That you would be there for me as I was there for you..But."  
  
"I was wrong. I know that now."  
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"No, I'm better now. Writing that letter helped me..:"  
  
"Helped?"  
  
"Helped me letting you go."  
  
"No, I don't believe you..:"  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
She stood her ground.  
  
"Believe what you want..."  
  
"So this is it? You're just going to walk away...Like nothing   
  
happened."  
  
"Nothing did happen. Rachel died..."  
  
"So everything in the letter..."  
  
"Belongs in the past.."  
  
"So you're just gonna...."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Lorelai.."  
  
"No, Luke...Leave it...I don't know what you expected to find here  
  
today...But it's not going to happen."  
  
"I thought..:"  
  
"You thought wrong."  
  
I stood there in her living room looking into the eyes of the woman  
  
I had loved half my life.  
  
And I was losing her.  
  
Maybe she was never mine to win in the first place.  
  
She stood strong.  
  
Pride glowing in her eyes.  
  
I was powerless.  
  
"Please, leave..."  
  
With those words I surrendered.  
  
I was out of time.  
  
Maybe I should let go now and save me the heartache.  
  
I moved towards the door with a trembling heart.  
  
I opened the door slowly.  
  
I stopped in the doorway and looked back at her.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"I will not lose you ..Not again..."  
  
"You already have..."  
  
With those words something inside of me broke.  
  
And I felt it.  
  
Strong.  
  
For a second I gasped for air.  
  
Then I moved.  
  
Dared to.  
  
I closed the door behind me.  
  
And then I started to walk towards my home.  
  
The diner.  
  
And I never felt so alone as I did in that moment.  
  
I had lost.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Feedback ----j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
*Yeah, I promise...it will be a happy ending...  
  
Next part is called "You'll never walk alone." 


	6. You'll never walk alone

Title: Holding on to nothing-  
  
You'll never walk alone  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: Trying to act like nothing has happen,they  
  
danced around each other until one night when Lorelai was faced with  
  
losing him once again. This time for good...   
  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
"'Til my body is dust  
  
'til my soul is no more  
  
I will love you, love you  
  
'Til the sun starts to cry  
  
and the moon turns to rust  
  
I will love you, love you  
  
But I need to know - will you stay for all  
  
time...forever and a day  
  
Then I'll give my heart 'til the end of all  
  
time...forever and a day"  
  
(From "I will love you" by Fisher)  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Holding on to nothing (6/6)  
  
You'll never walk alone  
  
by: Jessica  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
It's amazing how fast my heart could break.  
  
I thought I was stronger than that.  
  
Guess I was breakable after all.  
  
I headed home.  
  
To the silence of my apartment.  
  
It never used to bother me.  
  
After Rachel was gone and I was off chasing shadows,  
  
I embraced the silence that surrounded me.  
  
I was off into my own little world,   
  
so content with the pain I could cause myself.  
  
But now when I'm walking among the living again,  
  
I can't help but hate the silence that surrounds me.  
  
As I open the door to my apartment, to my home,  
  
it's the first thing that greets me.  
  
And I feel sick inside.  
  
So alone.  
  
I walk across the floor and sit down on my bed.  
  
All I have is this.  
  
Nothing else.  
  
My life is the diner.  
  
But I will not regret telling her the truth.  
  
Of taking that leap.  
  
I opened my heart.  
  
The fault is mine.  
  
I just wish there were some way I could convince  
  
my heart that there was a way out of this pain.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
There were nights when he came to her.  
  
At first she called it a curse and tried   
  
to shrug it off.  
  
But as days became weeks she blessed the sight  
  
of him in her dreams.  
  
It brought her heart the peace it so desperately  
  
needed.  
  
But still she feared facing him.  
  
It took time for her to fight her demons.  
  
And eventually she worked up the courage to face him.  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
She came in the morning.  
  
Just after the sun kissed the earth.  
  
I could feel her before I saw her.  
  
She walked through my door with her head held high.  
  
Like nothing had changed.  
  
She sat down by her usual table.  
  
I stood in the doorway to the kitchen.  
  
Taking her in.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
Beautiful.  
  
I knew I should move.  
  
So I did.  
  
I moved towards her like a knight dressed in armor.  
  
She looked up as I approached and our eyes met.  
  
And then she smiled.  
  
Cruel! How could she be so cruel?!  
  
Acting like nothing had happened.  
  
My first reaction, my first thought, was to break  
  
her facade.  
  
To shake her.  
  
But I stood my ground.  
  
I almost stumbled as my armor came crashing to the   
  
floor and left me vulnerable.  
  
Guess I was weak.  
  
Falling like that.  
  
But I stood strong.  
  
Determined not to be the one to fall.  
  
She ordered coffee and pancakes.  
  
I took her order and then I left.  
  
Knowing that we were back where we started.  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
She sat there, watching him walk away and she couldn't  
  
help but notice that little flash of pain in his eyes  
  
as he turned away from her.  
  
But she shoved it aside, convinced that it only was  
  
her imagination playing tricks with her.  
  
But it kept thugging at her heart all through  
  
breakfast.  
  
Afterwards, when she rose to pay, she couldn't  
  
help but be nervous as she approached him.  
  
He stood behind the counter.  
  
Pride glowing in his eyes.  
  
She stood strong, not wanting to back down.  
  
She fumbled a little as she paid.  
  
Their hands brushed as they exchanged the  
  
money but no one let on about the storm that  
  
raged inside of them both.  
  
She lingered there a while, not wanting to go yet.  
  
Searching for words.  
  
Something to say.  
  
Anything.  
  
Their eyes met and in that moment she saw the  
  
truth that stretched out before her;  
  
that she had lost her best friend.  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
I wanted to say something.  
  
Anything.  
  
But I couldn't make my mouth move.  
  
A part of me wanted to reach out my hand and touch  
  
her,  
  
reassure her that I still wanted to be her friend.  
  
But my heart kept screaming about the pain that she  
  
had caused me.  
  
So bitterly I turned away from her.  
  
Determined not to back down.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
Days became weeks and weeks eventually turned into  
  
months.  
  
We danced around each other like puppets in a show.  
  
She came in every morning and every afternoon as  
  
usual.  
  
She drank her coffee.  
  
Ate her dinner.  
  
We talked.  
  
We didn't avoid each other.  
  
We talked about the diner, about the weather,  
  
about the town.  
  
We were civilized but never personal.  
  
But we never mentioned the past or the broken hearts  
  
that  
  
lay between us like huge wall that neither of us  
  
dared to climb.  
  
We put on our masks to play our part in the game of  
  
survival.  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
Two months later  
  
................  
  
The decision wasn't made suddenly.  
  
It wasn't like I woke one day and decided   
  
that my time here had come to an end.  
  
The realization came slowly.  
  
It was the little things that reminded me.  
  
That called out to me.  
  
The need to find something other than this life.  
  
I found myself restless and in desperate need of  
  
peace.  
  
For the first time in a long time I was ready to let  
  
go.  
  
And stop living my life in the past.  
  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
The message was conveyed to her by Miss Patty.  
  
At first she refused to believe that Luke was leaving  
  
again.  
  
This time for good.  
  
He was selling the diner.  
  
His home.  
  
His everything.  
  
She kept thinking that it was somebody's nasty joke.  
  
But eventually she worked up the courage to walk past  
  
the  
  
diner and then she saw the sign "FOR SALE".  
  
And she started to believe.  
  
----------------------------------------------  
  
The night of the farewell party came suddenly for  
  
everyone.  
  
The town square was dressed for a party.  
  
Sookie had made the food.  
  
There even was a band.  
  
Everyone was there.  
  
To say goodbye to Luke Danes.  
  
I hated the party from the moment it started.  
  
I didn't hate the people that had come together to say  
  
goodbye.  
  
I hated the party itself.  
  
The goodbyes that was bound to happen.  
  
The moon had come out and the stars had graced us with  
  
their  
  
presence as we finished the dinner Sookie had prepared  
  
for us  
  
in the middle of the square.  
  
Taylor had even spoken in his special way that only he  
  
can.  
  
Many had spoken.  
  
Sookie had cried.  
  
Lorelai Gilmore were no where to be found.  
  
I took a sip from my glass of wine and rose.  
  
Feeling tired.  
  
I had a long trip a head of me the following day.  
  
Going back to the life I had left behind about a year  
  
earlier.  
  
Seattle.  
  
And the peace I had found there.  
  
I said goodbye to those that still lingered by the  
  
tables.  
  
And started to walk back towards the diner.  
  
I found her by the diner.  
  
She stood with her back turned.  
  
Starring at the diner.  
  
She was dressed in a dark blue dress.  
  
Her hair seemed to shine in the moonlight.  
  
"Lorelai?"  
  
She turned around.  
  
Her eyes were wild as they met mine.  
  
"Luke."  
  
"What are you doing here? You never came.."  
  
"I wanted too..All that food..Believe me I would  
  
have.."  
  
"I understand."  
  
Because of me.  
  
She had stayed away because of me.  
  
Of course.  
  
"What? No..I just.."  
  
I moved towards the door.  
  
But she stopped me by taking my hand.  
  
"No, Luke. You don't understand. It was too hard."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Saying goodbye.."  
  
"Well..."  
  
She let go of my hand.  
  
I was already missing her touch.  
  
My hands trembled a bit as I opened the door to the  
  
diner.  
  
"Luke, please."  
  
I turned around and looked at her.  
  
She was standing on the street, looking at me with  
  
those eyes.  
  
And I cursed the power she had over me.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Please...Dance with me..."  
  
"Lorelai..I..."  
  
Begging.  
  
"Please, Luke...."  
  
She reached out her hand towards me.  
  
I walked towards her.  
  
Seeing something in her eyes that I couldn't name.  
  
I wanted to be strong.  
  
Turn away from her.  
  
I stood in front of her searching for lies.  
  
But I found nothing.  
  
All I could see was heaven.  
  
And I took her hand.  
  
"We can't dance here..in the middle of the street..."  
  
"Just dance with me...."  
  
And I surrendered.  
  
Without question.  
  
My heart shivered as I pulled her towards me.  
  
The music from the square reached us were we stood.  
  
Our eyes met as our bodies melted together.  
  
Two bodies became one in harmony.  
  
Swaying to the music.  
  
Softly.  
  
Slowly.  
  
She smelled of roses and coffee.  
  
Her eyes were dark and mysterious as they met mine.  
  
I wanted to say something but my mouth couldn't shape  
  
the words.  
  
All I could do was to remember.  
  
To brand this moment into my memory forever.  
  
The night when I held her.  
  
When we danced.  
  
She rested her head on my shoulder with a sigh.  
  
And I inhaled the scent that was Lorelai Gilmore and  
  
for a moment  
  
everything that stood between us was gone.  
  
The wall shattered like glass as we melted together.  
  
As we were one.  
  
And I was totally at peace.  
  
For a single moment everything was perfect.  
  
But my heart kept remembering, whispering, about the  
  
pain  
  
that had broken it in two.  
  
About her words.  
  
And the wall was risen once again.  
  
"When this dance is over I will say goodbye to you."  
  
Maybe my words were harsh.  
  
But they were the truth.  
  
I could feel something inside of her tremble as my  
  
words   
  
reached her.  
  
And with a small cry she pulled away from me.  
  
"Luke..."  
  
I let her go.  
  
She backed away from me.  
  
"Goodbye, Lorelai Gilmore."  
  
I took her hand.  
  
Like we were strangers.  
  
I needed the distance between us.  
  
"Don't say that..."  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"Stay..."  
  
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.  
  
"No.."  
  
"Please..Stay..."  
  
"I can't.."  
  
"Of course you can.."  
  
"My life here is done."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"I'm leaving."  
  
"Your place is here. Here in Stars Hollow."  
  
"Says who?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Lorelai..."  
  
"No, Luke..Stay here..I.."  
  
"I can't. You know that."  
  
"Why? Give me one reason why you can't.."  
  
"Don't.."  
  
We stood there in the middle of the street with the  
  
moon as our  
  
witness and she was begging me to stay.  
  
Cruel.  
  
"Tell me. I need to know."  
  
"Because of you."  
  
Silence.  
  
The truth was out.  
  
The truth she had known for a long time.  
  
But it was finally spoken.  
  
Not hid behind fancy words and lies.  
  
The fear in her eyes was her answer.  
  
And I knew the truth.  
  
She didn't want me.  
  
It hit me right in the chest and I turned   
  
away.  
  
Not wanting to show the pain in my eyes.  
  
But I guess she already knew that.  
  
"Goodbye..."  
  
I started to move.  
  
"LUKE! PLEASE!"  
  
I stopped in my tracks.  
  
And I turned towards her.  
  
"What do you want from me, Lorelai?"  
  
"I want you to stay."  
  
"Why in God's name should I? You told me to go back to  
  
where ever I came from and that's what I'm doing. You  
  
should be pleased."  
  
"Please, Luke...I never meant."  
  
"Sure, Lorelai. You didn't mean those words you said."  
  
"God, I was so confused! You came back..and.."  
  
"Don't, Lorelai. I'm so tired of..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This. Between the two of us."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Taking turns hurting each other."  
  
"Luke..."  
  
She reached for me but I backed away from her.  
  
Knowing that if she touched me now I would surely  
  
crumble.  
  
"No, Lorelai. You can't have it both ways."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I will not go back. Not this time. Not again."  
  
"Luke, please..All I want is to you to stay."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Please.."  
  
"NO!"   
  
"I need you."  
  
Her words hit me once again and I almost fell.  
  
I searched for lies.  
  
"Why do you do this, Lorelai? Is this just another one  
  
of your games?"  
  
"No..I need you to stay."  
  
She was close now.  
  
Almost too close.  
  
But I didn't back away this time.  
  
I stood my ground.  
  
"Why should I? Tell me why I should stay? You need me?  
  
For what...  
  
To fix your roof..To make your coffee.."  
  
"Don't be like that."  
  
"No! I'm so sick and tired of your God damn  
  
games...For once  
  
tell me the truth!"  
  
I moved towards her.  
  
Anger filling my veins.  
  
She didn't move away.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
And for the first time I saw the truth in her eyes.  
  
Fear.  
  
"I'm afraid."  
  
I stopped.  
  
Tears lived in her eyes as they met mine once again.  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"You want the truth. The whole nasty truth?"  
  
She stood strong.   
  
Pride showed its nasty face.  
  
"Yes. I think I deserve it."  
  
"I'm afraid...Afraid of this..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This..this between us. And I'm afraid of this."  
  
She placed her hand over her heart and looked at me.  
  
Tears rolling down her cheeks.  
  
I suppressed the need to pull her towards me and let   
  
her continue.  
  
"This has always gotten me in trouble. Look at me for  
  
God's sake.   
  
I'm almost 39 now and I have never been able to hold  
  
on to nothing."  
  
"Lorelai.."  
  
"No, let me.. Don't you know by now. I'm no good. I  
  
hurt people. I  
  
drive them away. Chris, Max..."  
  
"No, Lorelai..."  
  
"It's the truth..And I'm afraid if I let you in that I  
  
might do  
  
something, anything, and you'll go away and I can't  
  
handle that.  
  
I would surely die."  
  
"I would never leave you."  
  
"I don't know if I can believe that..I'm afraid..You  
  
have so much   
  
power over me. It consumes me sometimes. I fear this  
  
heart..because   
  
I can't hold back the feeling that rages inside. This  
  
love, the  
  
passion I feel for you...But I'm afraid if I let you  
  
leave I will  
  
never know what's it like to actually take that  
  
leap....But it  
  
scares me also to ask you to stay..."  
  
"You can't have it both ways..."  
  
My words were barely a whisper as I reached out my  
  
hand and  
  
touched her.  
  
Took her hand.  
  
"I know..But I need..I wish there were something..a  
  
safety net for  
  
my heart."  
  
"There isn't believe me."  
  
"That's just it.."  
  
My hands trembled a bit as I framed her face between  
  
my hands and looked  
  
at her.  
  
"All I know, all I can say is that I love you. It's  
  
bigger than me.  
  
It consumes me...I have never felt this for  
  
anyone..This strong..  
  
I can't say what the future holds. I can't promise you  
  
forever...  
  
Because I don't know what's going to happen. All I can  
  
say is   
  
that I will never willingly walk away from you... Only  
  
if you  
  
ask me to..I will love you..."  
  
"Luke..."  
  
"Believe. That's all I'm asking.."  
  
"I don't know if I can..."  
  
"You can. You know you can."  
  
"I want to...I just..."  
  
"If I leave now I'm not coming back..."  
  
"I know..."  
  
"Then. What do you want?"  
  
"I want...You..to..stay...with...me.."  
  
In that moment I saw the truth in her eyes.  
  
The heaven.  
  
With a smile I surrendered.  
  
I surrendered for the storm that raged inside of me.  
  
And I kissed her.  
  
I leaned down and brushed my lips against her.  
  
Tasting.  
  
At first.  
  
She gave herself to me.  
  
I ran my tongue, tracing her lips, whispering to her  
  
to open.  
  
And with a sigh she opened herself up to me,  
  
just like a flower.  
  
She tasted like heaven and hell all wrapped up in one.  
  
And I lost myself in a cloud of sensation.  
  
We became one there, clinging to each other and the  
  
warmth  
  
that shimmered out from our broken bodies.  
  
We clung to the promises that kiss meant and as we  
  
parted  
  
both of us knew that there were no letting go.  
  
No way out this time.  
  
I leaned my forehead against hers and whispered:  
  
"I love you."  
  
"And I love you."  
  
Promises were whispered there, standing under the  
  
stars.  
  
Of not letting go.  
  
Of believing.  
  
Of forever.  
  
Years from now they would still be talking about the  
  
night  
  
Lorelai and Luke finally became a couple.  
  
And they would laugh and say:  
  
"It was about time.."  
  
.............................................  
  
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